I didn’t even know I had a spam comment filter until about a week ago, when my life abruptly changed. So, one day, I was checking my comment feed for anything I needed to approve, when something caught my eye. “What’s this? Spam? Do I even get spam?” The answer is: yes. The first time I checked, I only had a couple of comments, both of which were probably tagged because their usernames were wacky, not because they were obviously spam, at least not to me. Of course, we all know how competent with technology I am. But when I checked it a few days later, the adventure really began.
I found myself thinking about my little collection of spam often, because it was just funny. And why do I even HAVE a blog if not to share things like this that are hard to explain in any other context? I mean, I could go up to strangers and say “you will never believe the spam I’ve been getting!” but that, kids, is called harassment. Anyway, if this is only funny to me, so be it, but please, sit back, relax, and enjoy the best of my spam comments.
“After I initially commented I seem to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now whenever a comment is added I recieve four emails with the same comment. Perhaps there is a means you are able to remove me from that service? Thanks a lot!”
This is the closest I’ve ever gotten to being fooled. But… this is the first time this person commented. SO………………………
And they misspelled receive.
”Hello. I have checked your home.blog and i see you’ve got some duplicate content
so probably it is the reason that you don’t rank hi in google.
But you can fix this issue fast. There is a tool that rewrites articles like human,
just search in google: <scam dot com>”
the reason that you don’t rank h i in google
you don’t rank h i in google
r a n k h i i n g o o g l e-
Oops I didn’t know I have “duplicate content,” whatever that means. It’s probably because *rips of mask* I’m a bot and I don’t w r i t e l i k e h u m a n.
Good job to this dude for exposing the real me… Oh wait! This was on the guest post my brother wrote! So, he’s been a bot this whole time?! And I never knew! *puts human mask back on*
“I’m gone to inform my little brother, that he should also pay a quick
visit this blog on regular basis to take updated
from most up-to-date news update.”
Can you say update one more time please? This was on the first episode of the Wishmaker, so I guess someone really wants their brother to read it, which, you know, I’m not complaining. Let me see, who was this written by?
Well, girl’s little brother, welcome to my blog, if you’ve taken your sister’s advice. She’s got really great taste in blogs, so I would trust her.
And you don’t have to just check in randomly, I have an email list for a reason. If you join, I’m legally allowed to pop into your inbox and bother you. It’s great.
“Hello, just wanted to say, I liked this blog post.
It was helpful. Keep on posting!”
I love how I get free encouragement with my spam sometimes. In fact, this might just be a real person who was falsely thrown in spam prison. But I don’t know how “episode 1 of the Wishmaker” could be helpful, so…
And now, my favorite:
“I used to be able to find good advice from your blog posts.”
Buddy, if you ever take advice from me, you have a problem.
I mean, I know this is just some stranger trying to get a rise out of me, (because that is the most effective way to get someone’s attention on the internet, after all) but let’s imagine this is a real person for a second. They’re sitting in their little computer cave, desperately searching my blog for advice. Which is setting themselves up for failure, because for every, like, five posts on here there’ll be one “writing advice” post, which isn’t even really advice, it’s just a bunch of thoughts about writing thrown together. But, somehow, this person has been CONVINCED that this is an advice blog.
But this is the post that sends them over the edge: “Today’s the Day!” the exciting unveiling of the animatic project I’ve been working on for weeks. I’m absolutely HYPED for this, but when they see it, the hope that they will ever get good advice from here is shattered. On this momentous day, they’re sitting in the corner, like the Grinch on Christmas, mumbling, “this isn’t advice, I’ve been betrayed,” under their breath. In their rage, all they can think to do is leave a vague comment. They then leave, their faith in humanity destroyed forever.
And then, get this, I post a writing advice post two weeks later.
And this was, “a gentle stroll through my spam,” a post that was probably only funny to me. In conclusion, if you’re a spam bot and you’re reading this, please send me more spam, but only if it’s funny. You make my day. I’m still not approving you though.