Becoming A Food Blogger

One day, I will be a professional blogger, release things on time, and make content that changes the world. But not today. Today, I bought some weird fruit and I am going to eat it. And I’m going to take y’all on this adventure with me!

NoI’mNotRunningOutOfIdeasWhatAreYouTalkingAbout…

I don’t go to Sprouts all that often, because c’mon, I’m not that hip. Walmart sells food too, you know. Safeway, even, if you’re feeling fancy. But today (or yesterday for you all) I was just minding my own business at ye old Sprouts when I saw THIS-

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I am a self-proclaimed fan of all things fruit, but I had never heard of rambutan. So I did what any responsible adult would do… I got them out of curiosity. I also got some star fruit, which are less unusual, but I’ve never tried them before.

I also saw this bad boi.

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No thank you, Sprouts, I am not paying $20 for… whatever that is. Good luck selling those before they hatch and you have fruit aliens running around your store, though.

 

Let’s get started!

First, may I offer you a low quality picture of a rambutan that I didn’t realize wasn’t detailed enough until after I ate it? You might think, “oh, that’s a fine picture, NC,” but NO! This picture does not articulate just how weird these things are to look at. Does it make you feel weird? No? Then it doesn’t replicate the VibeTM that these little buggers give off.

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They’re also incredibly fun to hold and just pet like you’re some super villain stroking your cat as you wait for the heroes to fall into your trap.

With the loving support of WikiHow guiding me, I cut the alien egg open. This right here is the edible part:

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Slightly slimy, weirdly smooth, just a wild experience overall.

Screwing my courage to the sticking place, I cut out the seed in the middle and tasted this slippery thing…

Grapes. More interesting than grapes, but that’s basically the flavor. Because this worked so well for Eve, I shared it with the rest of my family (mah bro politely declined), and I think the general consensus is “not bad.” 6/10, good taste, a little more work than it’s worth because of just how little meat is on each one.

On to star fruit!

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Once again, WikiHow came to my rescue and instructed me to cut it like so:

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Which is about as aesthetically pleasing as you could ask for. I was instantly mentally put in the place of a recipe blogger meticulously arranging fancily cut fruit so I can put it in the story part of my latest recipe, which all in all, is 16 pages and 14 of those are the story part because I have to explain that I got this from my mother in law who grew up in Seattle and left a version of this recipe in a book written entirely in code and it took me two years of breaking the code to finally find this pancake recipe and then I had to tweak it because it called for garlic powder and my son is allergic to garlic.

Anyway, after that strange moment, I finally tasted the star fruit, and my mom, who had become my guinea pig at this point, gave me the best description: a mix between an apple and a pear, but someone dropped it in perfume. I didn’t ask her how she knew what perfume tastes like, but I’m going to trust her on this.

7/10, you get more meat per fruit, tastes pretty good, the texture’s a little weird, but it gets points for looking good on camera.

Later… I just had some I put in the refrigerator, and MMMM cold star fruit gets an 8/10.

 

Ok! That was fun! See you all in a couple of weeks!

9 thoughts on “Becoming A Food Blogger

  1. This is literally the funniest thing about fruit I have ever read. I was laughing so hard at the pancake recipe part. If you ever need a guest judge for a part 2 post you can call me up. I watch a lot of Food Network, which makes me an expert.

    Like

  2. WHAT EVEN IS THAT
    It looks like those weird, poisoned glow-in-the-dark-thingys in Monster University movie, if you know what I’m talking about. 😆
    And then you peeled it.
    And it’s an egg. How even. O.o
    Well.
    If I become a henchmen for a evil mastermind I know what pet I will have.
    And I shall name it…
    Cheetle.
    Which I learned, apparently, is what you call Cheeto residue. (Free fun fact, you’re welcome)

    Honestly, Jackfruit does look like one day it will explode and out will sprout (pun not intended) aliens. But if that ever happens, all the store employees can pick up those Rambutans and throw them. They look painfully spiky, and the star fruit can be used like ninja stars.

    Now I’m imagining a sci-fi story at my local store. I have been entertained to an extreme. Thank you N.C. 😆

    Like

  3. Ohmyword this is so perfect. 😂 I don’t follow any food bloggers but if their posts were like this, then I definitely would! You’re humor is priceless!!

    Like

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